Remember the line from the movie “Before Sunrise,” when Ethan Hawke looks at Julie Delpy and says, ‘Isn’t everything we do in life a way to be loved even more?” If you haven’t seen this romantic classic, it’s a whimsical adaptation of two people who ponder the deeper meanings of love in just a few hours time.
The art of enduring passion and romance isn’t something you have or don’t have; it’s the deliberate intention of cultivating the fire that burns deep within two people in love.
According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman in his GottSex? Research series, the most sexually charged and passionate couples have a direct correlation to feeling deeply connected and possessing a strong sense of friendship.
If we look at intimacy as stemming from everyday interactions a couple does to increase their bond instead of solely resulting from sex-talk between the sheets, we see that Ethan Hawke’s character was on to something.
The pursuit of wanting to be loved during the everyday interactions a couple has- things like knowing your partner’s personal convictions, life dreams and future aspirations- creates a foundation of emotional intimacy that undoubtedly transcends to physical lust and excitement.
Another piece to the orgasm puzzle? Learning how to be great communicators. Being able to problem solve together helps ward off potentially harmful relationship patterns that may lead to emotional distance (a romance killer). Raising issues with confidence and fighting fair allows for increased safety and security. The feeling that, no matter what happens, your partner is on your side and fighting for your best interest and those of the relationship. Trusting in your partner and the union you have together creates a tantalizing dance of desire and seduction.
Gottman also has a saying that goes, “Every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay.” Looking at romance and intimacy through daily actions to be loved and give love plants the seeds towards a future of lust and love.
Now that we’ve gotten to the root of where great sex derives, building anticipation and momentum for the “hot and heavy” is an added bonus. First, have a conversation about your likes and dislikes outside of the bedroom; during dinner or over a glass of wine. Talk candidly with each other about what’s working and what you want more of. It’s a vulnerable and honest talk to have, but one that’s essential for getting things moving and grooving. For extra help, pick up a deck of these fun sex cards.
Next, plan it. Most couples think this takes the passion out of the act, but that’s simply not true. Think about it this way; as a newly dating couple, you’d prepare for the night out, right? You’d get a fresh hairdo, put on your favorite perfume and get dressed in your best outfit. Unconsciously, you were preparing for a night of passion. Take the time to schedule your night of fun and talk about spicing it up ahead of time.
Start with foreplay and keep it going longer than you think you should. Don’t rush this step. Women have more chance for orgasm when they’re well tended to. And a hungry and pleasing partner is one sexy libido driver.
Enjoy yourselves. Laugh during embarrassing or awkward moments, let it out when something feels good and focus on your bodies intertwined rather than how big your thighs may look.
The art of great passion isn’t such a secret after all. It doesn’t happen to the lucky ones or people who have their Prince Charming. It’s the understanding that the daily drive, motivation and dedication to a more thriving relationship is the direct result of an active and healthy sex life.
Take the first step towards getting that expert help by contacting our Couples Therapy specialist April Eldemire.