Nothing says romance quite like sitting across from the person you love and discussing what should happen if your marriage ends.
For many couples, even mentioning a prenuptial agreement can feel unsettling.
One person may see it as practical protection.
The other may hear:
“You don’t trust me.”
“You’re already planning for our divorce.”
“What’s yours will never really become ours.”
Those reactions make sense. Marriage is built around a promise of permanence, while a prenup asks couples to consider the possibility that the relationship may not last.
But could that uncomfortable conversation actually be useful?
A recent WalletHub survey reported by Reuters found that three in four Americans believe a prenup can be good for a relationship.
That does not mean three in four couples need one.
It may mean people are becoming more willing to recognize that love and financial clarity do not have to work against each other.
From a therapist’s perspective, the value of discussing a prenup may extend beyond the legal document. The conversation can reveal how prepared a couple is to talk about money, power, fairness, children, sacrifice, and each person’s definition of security.
Many people are getting married after they have already built significant parts of their adult lives.
They may own property, have retirement savings, run a business, carry student loans, or have children from a previous relationship. They may also have financial obligations to former spouses, aging parents, or other family members.
For these couples, marriage is not simply the beginning of a financial life together.
It is the joining of two financial lives that already exist.
A prenup may help clarify what each person is bringing into the marriage, what will remain separate, what they plan to build together, and how certain responsibilities would be handled if the marriage ended.
That does not automatically make the agreement unromantic.
It makes it a conversation about reality.
The difficulty is that money is never only practical.
It carries emotion, history, and meaning.
Two people can hear the word “prenup” and experience completely different things.
To one partner, it may mean:
“I worked hard to build something, and I want to protect it.”
To the other, it may mean:
“You don’t see me as a permanent part of your life.”
One person may think about financial responsibility.
The other may think about abandonment.
One may be trying to protect children from a previous marriage.
The other may worry that those protections will leave them feeling secondary or vulnerable.
This is why couples can become stuck when they argue only about whether they should sign the document.
The deeper conversation is about what the document represents.
Before debating the terms, ask:
These questions allow couples to understand the fears underneath their positions.
Money creates power in relationships, whether couples acknowledge it or not.
If one partner earns significantly more, owns the home, or enters the marriage with substantial assets, that person may have more influence over financial decisions.
The lower-earning partner may feel uncomfortable questioning the terms of a prenup because they fear appearing entitled, greedy, or ungrateful.
That is not a healthy foundation for an agreement.
A constructive prenup conversation requires both people to have a meaningful voice.
One person should not be presented with a completed agreement shortly before the wedding and pressured to sign it. The terms should not be used to prove loyalty or suggest that asking questions means someone is marrying for money.
The process matters because it offers a preview of how financial power may operate in the marriage.
Can the partner with more money remain open to the other person’s needs?
Can the partner with fewer assets express concerns without being dismissed?
Can both people tolerate disagreement without threatening the relationship?
If they cannot discuss financial power before the wedding, that power will not disappear after it.
Couples often approach financial agreements as though fairness can be determined by dividing everything evenly.
But fairness is more complicated than a percentage.
Imagine that one partner steps away from a career to raise children, manage the home, or support the other person’s growing business. That decision may benefit the family while reducing the caregiving partner’s income, retirement savings, and future earning potential.
An agreement that protects only the income-producing partner’s assets may look clear on paper while ignoring the value of the other person’s unpaid contribution.
Couples may need to discuss:
These are legal questions that require advice from qualified attorneys. They are also relationship questions because the answers reveal what each partner considers valuable.
Couples can date for years without realizing that they hold very different beliefs about money.
One person may believe marriage means combining everything.
The other may expect to keep most finances separate.
One may view debt as an individual responsibility.
The other may see all financial obligations as shared once they marry.
One may expect to pause a career when children arrive.
The other may assume both partners will always work full time.
A prenup discussion brings these assumptions into the room.
That can be uncomfortable, but discovering the differences before marriage gives couples an opportunity to work through them intentionally.
The goal is not to eliminate every disagreement.
It is to know what you are agreeing to.
A prenup may provide legal clarity, but it cannot create emotional trust.
A couple can sign a carefully negotiated agreement and still hide purchases, lie about debt, or use money to control each other.
The document cannot replace ongoing transparency.
It cannot ensure that both partners will feel respected.
It cannot teach a couple how to make shared decisions, navigate an income difference, or talk about spending without becoming defensive.
Those habits must be built within the relationship.
A prenup is also not proof that a couple is mature simply because they were willing to sign one. If the process involved pressure, intimidation, secrecy, or an extreme imbalance of power, the conversation may reveal significant problems rather than resolve them.
The agreement is only as healthy as the process surrounding it.
If you are considering a prenup, do not begin with a list of demands.
Begin with meaning.
You might say:
“I’d like us to talk about what financial security means to each of us before we get married.”
Or:
“I want to make sure we understand what each of us is bringing into the marriage and what we want to build together.”
Or:
“I’m interested in discussing a prenup, but I want this to feel like a conversation we shape together.”
Give your partner time to respond.
They may feel surprised, hurt, or afraid. That does not mean the conversation was a mistake. It means something important has been touched.
Stay curious about the reaction rather than immediately defending your position.
Ask what your partner heard when you brought it up.
Their answer may reveal fears about commitment, trust, dependency, or whether they will be protected within the marriage.
Once couples understand the emotional meaning, they are better prepared to discuss the practical details.
Each person should also receive independent legal advice before signing anything. Laws and enforceability vary, and a therapist’s perspective is not a substitute for guidance from a qualified attorney.
People buy life insurance without expecting to die soon.
They create wills without hoping they will be needed.
They discuss guardianship not because they expect the worst, but because they want the people they love to be protected if something difficult happens.
Some couples view a prenup through a similar lens.
Others believe the agreement would undermine their sense of partnership or conflict with what marriage means to them.
There is room for both perspectives.
A prenup is not automatically good for a relationship, and refusing one does not prove greater commitment.
What matters is whether both partners can discuss the subject honestly, voluntarily, and with respect for each other’s security.
Having been through a divorce, I understand why conversations about protecting yourself can feel complicated.
Part of us wants to enter marriage with complete confidence in the future. Discussing what could happen if it ends can feel like bringing doubt into something we want to believe will last.
But avoiding difficult subjects does not protect a marriage.
Sometimes it only delays the discovery that two people entered it with very different expectations about money, ownership, sacrifice, and fairness.
The most useful question may not be:
“Should every couple get a prenup?”
It may be:
“Can we talk openly about what a prenup brings up for each of us?”
Can you discuss protection without threatening the relationship?
Can you listen without assuming the worst?
Can both people express what they need to feel financially secure?
Can you create an arrangement that honors what each person brings into the marriage and what you hope to build together?
You may decide that a prenup is right for your relationship.
You may decide it is not.
Either way, the conversation can show you how prepared you are to handle the realities of marriage together.
To Your Thriving Relationship,
April Eldemire is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and couples therapist at Couples Thrive in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. She helps couples, individuals, and families work through relationship disconnection, communication breakdowns, infidelity, new-parenthood transitions, divorce-related stress, family conflict, grief, depression, and parenting challenges. April is trained in Gottman-Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, two research-based approaches used to help couples better understand negative interaction patterns, rebuild emotional connection, and strengthen the relationship over time.
