The introvert falls for the extrovert. The one who loves to save marries the one who loves to shop. The “glass half full” kind of person finds their “glass half empty” partner. Are these relationships destined to thrive—or doomed to fail?
Magnets—sure. But as far as human relationships go, the idea that “opposites attract” seems to be little more than an interesting pop culture myth that bears no real scientific weight. On the contrary, research suggests it’s a couple’s similarities that are more likely to predict compatibility and long-term success, says Psychology Today.
Of course, we all know what it’s like to date someone who seems like our mirror opposite in certain ways—surely the idea that “opposites attract” has some truth to it.
Then again, this could just be a matter of perspective. Perhaps we’re more likely to notice traits in our partners—both negative and positive ones—that we haven’t fully accepted within ourselves. This makes these traits “stand out” and helps us build the story that we are total “opposites” of our partners.
No matter the truth behind the “opposites attract” theory, there’s no question that any couple is going to face occasional conflict because of opposing views, temperaments, or preferences. The question is: can a couple still make it work when they have fundamental differences?
1. Be Clear About Your Values
You don’t have to agree with your partner about everything in order to have a healthy relationship, but it’s helpful if you at least agree about the “big” things. Big things include topics like basic world views, money, sexual intimacy, in-law relationships, and child-rearing. When partners share common ground about these important topics, they’ll have a much more solid foundation upon which to build their relationship.
It’s never too soon to discuss values. Better to put things on the table early rather than invest time and energy into a relationship only to discover your values, goals, and interests are diametrically opposed—e.g., one person wants children and the other doesn’t.
It’s also wise to regularly revisit and discuss your values as your relationship unfolds, since values can change over time. Keeping clear and honest communication will help you negotiate any future turbulence.
2. Choose Your Battles
When you see your partner acting differently than you would, pay close attention to how you react. Is this action (or inaction) truly something worth getting upset over? If it’s not a deal-breaker, don’t let it ruin your day. (“Don’t sweat the small stuff.”) Decide what you are both willing to compromise on in your relationship without repressing your true selves.
And by all means: stand up for yourself. Example: “Honey, I know how much you love to talk and catch up at the end of the day, but I need a few minutes to myself when I get home to unwind. Can I meet you at the kitchen table in ten minutes?” Healthy partners are perfectly willing to respect boundaries—just don’t create so many boundaries and rules that you end up stifling your relationship.
3. Practice Acceptance
Our partners’ differences are gifts when we see them as opportunities to grow emotionally and practice acceptance. Here are a few strategies to help you accept your partner for who they really are:
In the end, most couples have a wide range of similarities and differences—but for long-term success, their temperaments should ideally be complementary, if not the exact same.
This doesn’t mean being “polar opposites” in certain things is a death sentence for a relationship, like what happens when a super introvert marries a super extrovert. But it could be that you and your fundamentally different partner will need to put in a bit more effort to find some equanimity and acceptance in your relationship.
Would you like help finding greater acceptance within your relationship? Contact Couples Thrive to schedule a consultation today.
