Therapy speak — using therapy-coded language in day-to-day life — is having a moment. Between TikTok therapists, mental health memes, and the ever-growing library of self-help podcasts, terms like “emotional safety,” “trauma response,” and “gaslighting” are now part of everyday conversations. On the surface, this sounds like a win. Couples are talking more openly about their inner lives and using language once reserved for therapy rooms to describe what’s going on between them. But is this growing trend of “therapy speak” actually helping our relationships — or quietly making conversations more P.C. and less real?
As a marriage and family therapist, I love seeing people care about emotional well-being. But I’m also seeing more couples come into therapy hurt, disconnected, and frustrated, often because their communication is saturated with psychological jargon that’s being used to diagnose, defend, or shut down. Let’s take a closer look at why “therapy speak” has taken hold in modern relationships, what’s helpful about it, and how it can negatively affect communication patterns.
What Is “Therapy Speak”?
“Therapy speak” refers to the use of psychological terms and mental health concepts in everyday communication. A partner might say, “You’re violating my boundary,” or “This feels like a trauma response,” or “I need to regulate my nervous system.” On its own, using this language isn’t harmful—in fact, it can offer clarity and insight. But when misused — to shut down an argument, for example — or misunderstood, it can create more distance than connection.
A recent article in The New York Times titled “Therapy-Speak Has Infiltrated Our Relationships—And It's Not All Good”(2023) highlighted the growing backlash against this trend. Instead of building empathy and curiosity, many people are using therapeutic language as a weapon: to call out, shut down, or self-protect without vulnerability.
When Therapy Language Becomes a Wall
Consider this: One partner says, “When you raised your voice, it triggered my trauma response and made me feel unsafe.” The other replies, “I think you’re projecting your past trauma onto me. That’s not my responsibility.” Both people might be using accurate terminology, but neither is actually listening. Instead, both are utilizing therapy speak to create barriers to real communication.
Instead of being a bridge to understanding, therapy speak becomes a wall. It intellectualizes pain instead of feeling it. It offers labels instead of listening. It becomes easier to identify what’s wrong than to express what we deeply need.
Psychologist Dr. Orna Guralnik, known for her work on the Showtime series Couples Therapy, observed this in her own sessions. “People are trying to use the language of therapy without doing the actual work of therapy,” she said in an interview with The Cut (2023). “It becomes a performance of insight rather than a process of emotional engagement.”
Why We’re Gravitating Toward It
So why are we leaning so heavily into this language? Part of it is cultural: We’re living in an age that values self-awareness and individual growth. Mental health conversations are less taboo, and social media make therapeutic content more accessible than ever. It’s comforting to have names for our pain. It feels empowering to use words that make our emotions feel valid. When we're in a conversation that makes us feel unsteady, it's easier to intellectualize our feelings than actually feel them.
There is some good news, however — research supports the idea that naming emotions helps regulate them. A UCLA study led by psychologist Matthew Lieberman found that labeling emotions reduces activity in the amygdala (the brain’s fear center) and increases activity in the prefrontal cortex (responsible for self-control) (Lieberman et al., 2007). In short, putting feelings into words can be calming and clarifying.
But in relationships, it’s not just about labeling our own experience — it’s about staying connected while doing it. It’s not just about naming your feelings —it’s about whether your nervous system feels safe enough to listen, which is at the heart of The Real Reason Communication Breaks Down. Emotional safety isn’t just a buzzword; it’s the foundation for true connection.
Therapy Speak vs. Emotional Presence
Here’s the truth: Healthy couples don’t just communicate well. They connect well. They show up with curiosity, compassion, and humility. They don’t just name their triggers—they explore them. They don’t just set boundaries—they explain them. They don’t use psychology to protect themselves from vulnerability—they use it to lean in. In short, therapy speak in healthy relationships is used to enhance communication, not to put up walls.
Using therapy-informed language can be a powerful tool if we use it to open doors, not close them. That means asking, “Can I share something I’ve been struggling with lately?” instead of, “You’re not creating emotional safety for me.” It means saying, “I feel hurt and overwhelmed when you walk away,” instead of, “You’re clearly avoidantly attached.”
One is rooted in connection, while the other is rooted in control.
How to Use Therapy Speak Without Weaponizing It
If you’ve noticed yourself or your partner relying on therapy speak in your relationship, don’t panic. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong—it just means there’s an opportunity to dig deeper and grow closer to one another.
Here are a few ways to shift from “performative psychology” to real relational growth:
Lead with Feelings, Not Diagnoses
Instead of labeling your partner’s behavior, try owning your experience. “I felt rejected when you didn’t respond” invites connection more than “You’re stonewalling me again.”
Be Curious, Not Clinical
Therapeutic labels should spark curiosity, not criticism. If your partner is dysregulated, ask: “What do you need right now?” rather than diagnosing their response.
Use Language to Invite, Not Intimidate
Saying “This is a boundary” is different from saying, “I’m trying to take care of myself and here’s what I need.” Boundaries are meant to support healthy connection, not create ultimatums.
Stay Humble With the Concepts
None of us are experts on our partner’s internal world. Just because we understand attachment theory doesn’t mean we understand them. Practice staying open to learning, and be curious about what's going on with your partner.
Do the Work, Not Just the Talk
Therapy speak is only as effective as the relational work behind it. Couples who thrive prioritize self-regulation, emotional repair, and intentional connection—not just the right words.
The Bottom Line
Language is powerful. The words we choose shape our relationships, for better or worse. When therapy speak is used with kindness, humility, and emotional honesty, it can transform communication and deepen trust. But when it’s used to pathologize, distance, or control, it can create the illusion of intimacy without the real thing.
So the next time you find yourself reaching for a therapy term, pause and ask: What do I really want to express? That’s where the real work—and the real connection—begins.
References:
Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x
Guralnik, O. (2023). Interview with The Cut, “What We Lose When We Use Therapy-Speak.” Retrieved from https://www.thecut.com/article/therapy-speak.html
Blum, D. (2023, January 19). When Did Therapy-Speak Become the Default Language for Our Emotional Lives? The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/19/style/therapy-speak-boundaries.html